I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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