I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
