i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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