I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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