Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
