i don't like sucking hair
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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