I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
