In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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