the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
