when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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