I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Found your dick twin last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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