I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
