My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
