i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
