omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
