Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
