it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
