I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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