I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize