Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
