I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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