Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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