Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
