I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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