Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
