I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
