I accidentally had phone sex last night
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
