Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
