im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
