i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize