listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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