i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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