Only a mothe r could love this liver
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize