She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
