I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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