how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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