I think my fart just growled at me.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
