Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
barbara walters just said penis...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
