Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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