I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
