She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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