my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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