The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Semen is not good for contacts.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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