Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
