So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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