I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
