I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
