I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
