miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
