The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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