white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
