if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize