a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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