If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
