I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
