I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
